I can't remember the last time I posted something substantive, and I'm too lazy to go look. Suffice to say I haven't been feeling terribly chatty of late. I'm tired and run-down, and mostly want to curl into a fetal ball and stay there for a month or two.

Last significant event? Went to see X3 with the wrimos last Sunday. It was a good little popcorn flick. I've got the pleasure of not being a big X fan, so I'm not bothered by inconsistencies, casting choices, or grevious plot errors. Having said that, the movie had some awfully funky pacing. It felt very, VERY shallow. They've got these wonderfully angsty characters - the Marvel hallmark! - and they did almost nothing with them. Storm, as always, fell flat. I *know* Hallie's got acting chops, so why can't the writers and director let that shine? Wolvie was fine, but not nearly the rah-rah guy he was in X2. Another case of flat writing. Rogue - was she even *in* this movie? I adore Ana Paquin and was looking forward to lots of screen time. Nope. Angel - why bother? He had a couple of lines and a couple of soaring scenes. *yawn*. The best bits were the Xavier/Magneto scenes, of course. I didn't know the outcome of things going in (yay for avoiding spoilers), so was appropriately shocked and impressed with how things turned out. Wolvie vs. Phoenix was sheer brilliance on the FX front. Magneto's final scene got a huge fangirl squee out of me. The bit after the credits - the *perfect* popcorn flick/summer movie teaser! Beyond that? Pretty forgettable. We did have a ton of fun MST3K-ing the goth convention in the forest, though. What a riot. I've heard of black tie affairs, but black leather only? Too funny. All in all, I'm glad I had a free certificate. I would have felt gipped had I paid full night admission. Matinee? Maybe.

In other news, I started a rather ambitious workout plan. Was rummaging through my old magazine clippings and found a lovely little 8-week jump start program. The focus is weight lifting - cardio and core training are on your own, but they provide a detailed workout plan for each day of the week. I'm now one week and four weight lifting sessions in to it and am already seeing a difference. Squeezing in cardio is tough with the heat and all my housesitting, but I'm working on it.

Writing has been non-existent lately. I have good intentions, but keep getting derailed by sleep debt. It seems like any time I've got more than a minute to sit still, I'll fall asleep. This is the worst part of summer. I cannot sleep when I'm hot, and it's impossible to get my bedroom cool enough to sleep in. I was running a fan, but it's got a loose bearing somewhere and makes an awful racket that keeps me up. Bleh. Next pay period, I'm going to find a better quality one.

In other news, I had to drive some grant applications up to Phoenix at the last minute last week. I decided to get my car checked before heading out - just a routine oil change and tire rotation. The oil change was fine, but they said I'm due for a transmission flush. ~$100. *sigh*. Then I went to the tire place to get the rotation and find out that both my front tires have worn around the outside edges and aren't safe to drive on. WTF? They're just over a year old! The guy said it was due to my alignment being out of whack, so the car is getting serviced this second to fix that. I had to come up with money for two tires out of thin air AND extra for the alignment and transmission fix. Ugh. So much for this month's budget :(

Finally...work. Work is...tough. Most days I'm skating by on a bare minimum of work, and glowering balefully in the direction of some coworkers. Not a healthy environment or state of mind. I'm looking elsewhere, but nothing's forthcoming. Something's gotta give soon or I'm going to snap and get myself in deep trouble. Horoscope seems to be dead on again -
"Your opinions and way of doing things may conflict with those of an authority figure, boss or leader. This is especially apparent on Monday. Don’t rock the boat unless you’re wearing a life preserver and have an ironclad bailout plan. You can’t win Monday showdowns, so stand down. You’ll get your chance to demonstrate your prowess and righteousness later on Wednesday and again on Friday and Saturday. As much as you’d love to say, “I told you so” when your prior analysis turns out to be correct, you’re advised to say nothing. Allow the kinks to work themselves out and others’ awareness to gradually sink in. Sunday’s Full Moon is a call to action. You cannot allow a situation to continue as is and are more likely to take a flying leap into the deep end. At this point, you’re less afraid of consequences of your actions than you are of taking a chance on inaction. "

So...we'll see what the next couple of weeks bring...

I'm using this icon because it's so...random :)
Very upset right now. Having issues w/ the health insurance company on TOP of the work issues. It's nothing on their end - rather, it's the place I got my far-too-expensive glasses. The glasses place claims they don't take my insurance, so they didn't file a claim and I paid out of pocket. Under my wacky new health plan, *any* medical visit is covered fully (including vision care). Period. So I need to find some way to get the two companies to communicate, prove I paid x amount for x services, and get a refund check. It should be as simple as filing a claim form, but sadly, the claim form is geared towards strictly medical procedures (and mostly emergency ones at that). Ah well...I'll submit my receipts, get a signature and diagnosis code from the glasses place, and cross my fingers for the next couple of months while it all shakes out.
Bleh.
Not fun.
I'm out a rather large chunk of change until this all gets resolved.

Thanks to this and other job-related stress, i just had a lovely little spontaneous crying jag at my desk. Observed by the boss. *crawls under desk in mortification* All I needed was 5 minutes to pull myself together. I hate open cubicles w/ zero privacy :/

So now I'm weepy and sad, and preparing myself for a long battle w/ the glasses place to get my darn money back. Grr. This is *so* what I need right now.

/rant

The stupidest thing just happened, but it's got me all upset. I had to schlep a bunch of heavy brochures over to another office downtown, so I strapepd on my huge backpack, and headed out. Just as I was about to go into the building, one of the guys sitting on a bench there just lit into me verbally. "Fat ass" was the overarching theme. A good 20 seconds of verbal repartee from this lackluster thespian about the size of my lower half. He was still mouthing off as I stood waiting for the elevator inside the building, watching the front door swing slowly shut.

*sighs*

Look, I know that lots of you guys are larger than me. I know that you face this and much worse on a daily basis. I know many people (including several of my heavy coworkers) get downright irate when I express sadness at someone commenting on my figure. ("You think you've got it bad, skinny girl...?"). Really, I understand all that. It doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens to me.

I just feel so ashamed right now. One stupid fat jerk (literally - not just spite talking here) on a bench, and my spirit is crushed. I feel like I'm back in high school (the last time I had to endure one of those rants).

Once, just once, it would be so nice to have a non-biased party (ie: not the bf ;) ) tell me I'm attractive. Maybe then I'd really start to believe it.

Off to mope a bit more, then back to work...

*re-reads* Wow. This is a classic lj drama post. Stick this in your memories, kids. It's lj gold *grins*

First, the backplot...
I'm housesitting for a dog right now. He's an outdoor dog (Theo), so I don't have keys to the house or anything. I go up in the morning, let him out of his small sideyard, and let him run all over the property. Then I lock him back in his sideyard when I leave. Pretty simple, right?
So, this morning, we're in the backyard - a big, landscaped place where he cavorts before doing his rounds of the surrounding desert (it's a huge property). Theo's one happy pooch - running around, checking out his turf...having a grand ol' time. I happened to glance down the driveway and see something *big* approaching. It's a dog...a BIG dog. Turns out it's a bull mastiff mix. Looks like this, but tall like a Great Dane:


Add another foot in length to the legs, and give him huge paws, and you've got this guy. Definitely a great dane cross.
Basically, a gigantic, powerful dog. He had slobber dripping off his jowls - very Turner & Hooch.

The backyard gate is pretty short - more of a suggestion than an actual "keep out!" fortification. I got Theo inside and locked the gate behind me, but the mastiff's chest was well above the gate. He saw me and wagged his tail. Theo stayed cool - didn't growl or bristle. It's been my experience that dogs who wag and look friendly are generally just trying to scope you out. They can go viscious at the drop of a hat. I did *not* want to provoke this guy, or get caught without a fence between him and myself, so I stayed in the backyard and paced nervously. I tried telling the dog to go away, tried yelling, tried the Stern Voice (tm) which got Theo all worried, thinking he was in trouble. Reassured Theo, but still had Big Bully Dog blocking the gate.
Since I don't have a key to the house, I had no way to get to a phone and call animal control (or anyone). My cell phone was in my car and Big Bully Dog was between me and the car.

ARRRGH.

Finally, something got his attention and he moved off around the side of the house. Still nowhere near LEAVING, but he was at least out of sight for a moment. I decided to make a break for the side yard - another fenced area, and that much closer to Theo's fenced pen area. I grabbed Theo's collar and herded him around. Theo broke away from me because he really, REALLY wanted to sniff a bush the BBD had peed on, so I stopped and called him in hte Stern Voice. He looked chagrined and started towards me, but not before BBD came between me and Theo. Ack! I scooted into the side yard and hoped against hope I could get to Theo before BBD did. No dice. Theo trotted up and did the sniffing tails thing...BBD wagged his tail then pounced. Imagine a stocky great dane going after a coyote-sized, shepherd-ish dog. Big ball of snarling and snipping. I started yelling at them and tried to get a hand onto Theo's collar w/out getting in the midst. They took a breather to size each other up, and I managed to grab Theo's collar and haul him inside the yard with me. BBD lunged at the gate (thank god it opens out, not in!), but we were ok. I checked Theo for wounds (none, thank goodness) and noticed that the BBD was bleeding from the nose. Good on ya, Theo.

So now we're trapped in a much smaller yard with less sturdy fencing, and the BBD and Theo are both riled up. Theo paced and whined. The BBD just looked cooly at me. I gathered up a handfull of pebbles and started launching them at BBD. His skin twitched and he wagged his tail, but no reaction. I switched to larger stones ('bout the size of lake skipping stones) and tossed those. No dice. Finally, I grabbed a small rock and tossed it underhanded. He flinched and yelped, but didn't make a move to leave. Then he lay down in the driveway, looking at us.
*sighs*

No phone. No housekey. A dog who needs his breakfast, and me about to be late for work.

I found I could climb over the fence and get into Theo's side yard (big sturdy chain link and brick fence), so I tried to hatch a scheme to lift him over the fence w/out the BBD getting wind of it. Nuthin' doin'. We were trapped again.

After 15 minutes or so, the BBD caught a whiff of something in the desert and stood up. I saw him trotting towards the driveway, but never actually saw him leave. I didn't care. I grabbed Theo's collar and ran with him into his secure yard, then slammed the chain link gate (a good 6 foot tall gate) behind me. *whew* Safe, for the moment. At least now I could get Theo his breakfast and check his water. He was still pacing and whining - he didn't care about the BBD, but was dying to go scent mark over every trace of the big guy.

I didn't want to take any chances, so I locked him into his yard, hopped the short fence to that middle yard, and looked for the BBD. Didn't see any sign of him, but that didn't mean he wasn't still around. I walked quickly to the back yard and pulled the gate closed, then sprinted to my car. There's a slim chance I may have locked the BBD in the back yard, but not much I can do about that now. It's a huge yard, and if he decided to attack, I'd have nowhere to run. I didn't feel like being trapped in the same yard!

So...shaking quite a bit, I started the car and left for work. Poor Theo got shortchanged on his run time, and he's going bezerk not being able to re-mark his territory, but...eh...whatcha gonna do?

Is it Friday yet?

So what if it's breaking my heart at the root
Something that could happen to anyone, I suppose
Never any comfort to get from the truth
from knowing the part of this person that no one knows
So we just cry
with hopelessness
We're making such a mess

It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it
It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it

It's not that I'm frightened of being alone
It's just that I know what a burden this grief can be
Everything happens for something, I know
Can't understand for the moment what this could mean
That love is gone
That love is blind
That love is so unkind

It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it
It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it

Nobody wants to be happier more than me
Nobody wants to be happier more than I do
but happiness
I must confess
I don't have

It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it
It's long gone, buddy, now - run and go after it

Long Gone Buddy, Til Tuesday

A dove just smacked into our second floor window here at work. There's a big pile of feathers on the window ledge and a dusty wing/body impression on the glass. The injured/dying dove is crouched in the parking lot, not moving. It's mate is fluffed and distressed, walking in circles around it.

If my heart wasn't already breaking today, it sure is now.

My stomach hurts, I'm depressed, I get distraught even thinking about my NaNo and...well, there's probably some PMS thrown in for good measure.

I think this calls for a radical chocolate intervention @ the write-in tonight. If I can't spew forth deleriously good prose, at least I can stuff myself silly on decadent chocolate goodness. It's a toss up between the Chocolate Lovin' Spoon cake (http://www.somethingsweet-dl.com/cakes.htm) or my standard Chocolate Ganache cake (http://www.somethingsweet-dl.com/special_desserts.htm).

If a slab of chocolate and a couple of quarts of diet cola can't do the trick, I don't know what can...

and people wonder why B got elected?

This speaks volumes

I used to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that, like me, they had at least done a modicum of homework on the issues. Pardon me while I shift my worldview.

What a bunch of ignorant morons. (yes. I'm still trying to be kind)

In unrelated news, YAY for NaNo! First write-in tonight. I'm shooting for massive word count. (But I'll realistically settle for clearing 5,000 by night's end)

Ok, why is it you go in to get a tune-up and you come out with a nosebleed inducing bill? I signed a piece of paper assuring me my tune-up & 35,000 mile check up would cost $49.95. Fine. And I neded my driver's side door handle repaired since the plastic dry rotted and the darn thing sheared off in my hand Wednesday night. Fine. Then I was informed that there was a grevious error with my aftermarket brakes (put on before I bought the car, mind you) and it wasn't safe to drive home until they got some super secret mystery part on order. Fine. I sat down with car guy and went through all this. He assured me that super secret mystery part cost about $10 and there'd be no extra labor charge. So, I'm thinking something in the range on $70, right? He calls at 10:30 to tell me the car is ready and I ask for a total. *much clicking of keyboard on his end* $159.09. *feels dizzy, room spins* Eh-scuze me? I have $103 in my bank account. I planned on a $49.95 tune-up.

This blows. Mom to the rescue with credit card in tow. New column in the budget to pay off mom. *sighing*

but at least the car will be "safe" to drive. And I may have some restitution coming to me from the last mechanic I took it to, as he was the last person to touch my brakes. We're gonna have a little chat about that there missing bolt, yessiree. 4 months I've been driving around oblivious to my almost certain doom.

Gotta love car ownership.

This is getting really annoying. I finally got around to wild releasing some bookcrossing books and no less than 1/2 an hour later, I get an email from Creepy Ted commenting on it. And earlier, I posted on a Rush board that he just happened to join, and he emails me to comment on that. Same with any of my posts to DRS. He's already sent me a request list culled from my bookcrossing bookshelf, and now he wants me to look for books for him at the FTPPL booksale. I can't do ANYTHING online without him popping up and bothering me.

What part of "I want nothing to do with you!" does he not get? I have to be civil towards him since we're planning a big conference in the Spring, but "civil" does not equal "I enjoy your company". Argh.

If he joins NaNoWriMo I am going to go postal.

Just had to vent...

If you've ever wondered just how pathetic the state of health care is in America, lemme tell you...

A few months ago, my wonderful doctor passed away quite suddenly, leaving all his patients in the lurch. Pacificare (insurance company) randomly assigned all of us to new doctors and sent out new health cards. Fine. Wonderful. 'Cept I didn't want a male doctor who only speaks spanish. So I talked to my mom who recommended her doctor, called Pacificare and switched. This was two days ago. Everything was fine - the doctor was accepting patients, la-dee-dah.
So I call today to make an appointment. The first sign of trouble? I got routed to a call center for Carondolet (a big regional health company that owns most every medical facility in town). then I got Ms. Surly on the phone. First, she tells me my doctor is no longer accepting new patients (wtf?), then she tells me the earliest appointment I can make is in mid-October (WTF??!). Stammering, I ask if there's another option. She says some lowly person in the office can see me in September.

omFreakinG. I have to wait more than a month to walk in and ask for a @$%&*! renewal on my prescription? I mean, gods, it's not even a "dangerous" drug - it's freakin' birth control pills! I'm not trafficking illicit ritialin or vicodan here, people. I just want my hormones back to normal.

I'm extremely aggrivated and teary now, so I call Pacificare to try and beg my way into a better solution. The very helpful (no sarcasm) woman on the line says my plan allows me to do a "self-referral" to another clinic w/out having to go through my primary care physician. Finally - a ray of hope! She gives me the #s for three clinics that do pap smears, and sends me on my way. Well... turns out all three are ob/gyn places and only deal with either pregnant women or high risk pregnancies. Uh...no. I'm trying to avoid the whole pregnancy thing here, people. Sheesh.

So I call my mom in tears and she suggest the County clinic. Now, I *love* the county clinic - they've got the best staff and everyone knows their stuff, but they won't see you if you've got insurance. Nevermind the fact that my insurance is worthless when I can't get in to see a doctor, but regardless, the county clinic can't see me. Harumph.

Finally we lit on the bright idea of planned parenthood. Thank ye gods! I got an appointment for early tomorrow and I'll have pills in hand by tomorrow night. One simple 5 minute phone call with a remarkably chipper person, and I'm all taken care of. And they take (drum roll please) Pacificare! So I'll only be out the cost of my co-pay vs. the $130 it would cost otherwise. Why is this so difficult? I'm so relieved to finally have this taken care of that I toyed with the notion of signing my next paycheck over to PP as a donation. They're wonderful :)
I also spent some time on the PP web site and brushed up on the latest congressional follies. Scary stuff happening there - pay attention and write your senators/congresspeople if you have a mind. They had an article about how pharmicists in NY, TX (of course) and WI are starting to deny birth control and morning after pills to women because it's against their religion. wtf? Since when is a walgreens pharmicist allowed to deny me something I'm perfectly willing to pay for? Scary, scary stuff.

To sum up - HMO=Bad. Planned Parenthood=Good.

And don't forget to vote in november, kiddos.

This song is feeling especially poignant today. Was it really only two years ago...?

The Pass - Rush

Proud swagger out of the schoolyard
Waiting for the world's applause
Rebel without a conscience
Martyr without a cause

Static on your frequency
Electrical storm in your veins
Raging at unreachable glory
Straining at invisible chains

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Can't face life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

All of us get lost in the darkness
Dreamers learn to steer by the stars
All of us do time in the gutter
Dreamers turn to look at the cars
Turn around and turn around and turn around
Turn around and walk the razor's edge
Don't turn your back
And slam the door on me

It's not as if this barricade
Blocks the only road
It's not as if you're all alone
In wanting to explode

Someone set a bad example
Made surrender seem all right
The act of a noble warrior
Who lost the will to fight

And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge
Staring down into a heartless sea
Done with life on a razor's edge
Nothing's what you thought it would be

No hero in your tragedy
No daring in your escape
No salutes for your surrender
Nothing noble in your fate
Christ, what have you done?